Missing Matthew

They say that time heals all wounds. While this may be true, there are some wounds that while healed leave behind a scar that forever serves as a reminder of what was lost. Its been a year since Matthew left this world and while the wound his death made has begun to heal there will be a scar that will always remain. I can't believe that a year has passed since the last time I saw his face or heard him laugh. I remember our last night working together, it was the same night he died. We had sat and talked and laughed and I never for one second thought it would be the last time I would ever speak or see him. If I would have known there would have been so much more that I would have said. I would have told him how much he meant to me, how important his friendship was and how happy I was to reconnect with him in the 9 months we worked together at the library. I would have told him how much he was loved not just by me but by all those in his life and what his loss would do to those left behind. I would have hugged him and begged him to stay with us.

My last memory of Matthew is of him walking out the back door of the library after we had locked up and thanking Sandy and myself for a good day. I remember his smile and his laugh. There are days still where whenever I hear the back door of the library open I listen for his voice and I expect him to walk around the corner. I still find myself wanting to tell him things or share my thoughts on the latest episode of our favorite show Downton Abbey. I can hear him now doing his best snobbish British accent and I makes me laugh and want to cry at the same time. I miss his unquenchable thirst for knowledge and how he would ask you question after question about something until he had exhausted your knowledge of the topic. I miss our history talks and just talks about life in general.

I've struggled with the reason for his death and at times I've been angry, angry at him, angry at God, and angry at myself for not doing more. I know now that there is nothing I could have done to prevent his death and I know that God has a plan for everything. I know that Matthew is at peace and that he would not want me to be angry or sad. He is with his Heavenly Father and someday I will see him again for he was a follower of Christ. I'm sure he has spent the last year questioning every historical figure who is there about everything. I can't wait to see him again, to be able to hug him and tell him how much I've missed him and how much he is loved. I will forever miss him and I don't think a day will go by where I don't think about him.